it was never about letting go

* These photos were shot by myself and Abby
Models: Myself + Abby
** All the photos in this post set were
edited by me.
*** Somewhere in Philly

A year ago, I set out to one of our favorite cities around your anniversary. My thoughts were to find ways to let go while still trying to feel like I wasn’t letting go, if that makes any sense. ***It’s also crazy that it took me a year for me to finally feel good with all of these and setting the moods I feel like really captured the feelings I felt and yet, here we are, at the craziest timing. Of course, I feel like there’s some kind of meaning behind that, too.
I spent two nights and about 3 days there, walking around. Meeting people. Going to all of our favorite spots, finding random places to snag a few minutes of rest. I fell in love with the city all over and I never felt alone.
And it hit me, if I came out here to celebrate your life, to find a way to let go and still hold on — I started looking for new places. Going in my own directions, setting a new path. One of my own, but one that I know you’re still with me as I push forward.

Today is 4 years. I don’t miss you any less. I still can’t find the words, in which, I should be getting used to by now. I just always feel like there’s so much to say and I’m sure there is but, in the long run - does it matter much? I’m at a point where I know I’ll never not be sad but, I can do more with it and I plan to.
I can’t hold onto the sadness but, I can live for you and still do the things we always wanted to. I can still find inspiration in your words and from our conversations to keep me going in a better path. And, I think you’d want me to honor your life in taking chances and living my best life.

These were shot in a random place I stumbled into while wandering around between 2-4am in Philadelphia. The balloons represent a tattoo idea I still haven’t gotten. Also, ever since I was younger, at funerals, it became a personal thing for me to always get a balloon and write messages on it to let go and send away to the sky at the end. I wanted to do my thing while also be somehow being more into it, Abby came out to help and we decided I should be both taking photos and in them as well.
These photos mean a lot and I dont feel like I’m writing them any justice -or if I need to - but, I just wanted to take a second to throw it out there — you might not see or understand all the little things that made these images come to be, but there was a lot of thought and meaning into all of it.

This was our city, now I go there by myself - but, I’m never really alone when I’m there, just unknowing to what adventures await me.

i have no love

Somewhere lost in Philadelphia
Between the times of 12am - 4am

To the times where I feel like nothing that I do really means anything
or that none of it will ever really matter
and I need to just disappear - I feel at home alone and lost in cities with nowhere to go,
nowhere to be, no one to be. It’s some time after 2 in the morning and everything feels okay
where I’m just a ghost among a bunch of strangers just going about their lives.

Sometimes, it makes me see things clearly and other times — it just helps make those thoughts feel not so heavy — it’s okay to be lost.

And maybe, this does matter — Maybe, I just don’t know it. Maybe, I just can’t see it.