but, maybe he doesn’t exist anymore.
Maybe, I was never who I thought.
Just a ghost, a shadow, a thought….
Ft. // Self
“ I can see it again…….
Every other page there's something gone.
I need another reason to live, yeah.
I don’t even know how I lost it and now I'm sleeping with these dreams —
I can't stop playing in my head;
There's one in which I’m drowning and then
One where I'm beginning to start over new. “
—— The Dangerous Summer
Schooley's Mountain, NJ
Listening to:
Thrice discography
"Plans" album by
Death Cab For Cutie
"I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me and
Bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel what it's like to be new.
'Cause in my head there's a Greyhound station
where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
so they may have a chance of finding a place where they're
far more suited than here."
Death Cab For Cutie
Recently, I've found myself out and about exploring more which has led me with my camera in hand to dig back into my roots creatively. There's so much freedom in not having to worry about anything, but to capture images with whatever is there in front of me. To find ways to work with whatever is given to me. It's all been a whole different experience that I've fallen away from. It's given me peace of mind and a way to enjoy time without much else but nature to enjoy.
As I started to go through all of the recent images that I've captured, I couldn't get the song, "See you in the shallows," by thrice out of my head. Especially the line, "The water here is far to blue." It didn't mean much, but it stirred something in me when I started to see that I didn't and then couldn't remember the last time I shot any sort of 'real' and 'true' landscape photo. All the stuff you see all over social media that others are doing that seem to stand alone, just a beautiful and bright scene that would make anyone want to jump into a plane or car and go see in real life. And the more I kept wondering if these photos were real, the more that line rang around my mind.
Then... Some bunch of days later, I found myself listening to Death Cab For Cutie's album "Plans" I was feeling every line... Every note... Feeling music in a way that I feel like I haven't much enjoyed in it recently. I started looking through these photos again. I started feeling the peace that I felt standing above and sitting next to the rushing waters, climbing the rocks and sitting in the snow without feeling the cold. And it hit me: it doesn't matter how I go about getting the images or if I'm following any sort of given rules. But, the simple fact of it, it's that I don't look for your normal scenes or try to capture these images how others would; but, I'm really searching for the small things around me that portray small extensions of my soul. If I feel like I'm capturing that, than that's all that really matters. They're beauty and darkness will stand on their own. The true nature of things that are often overlooked.
"I hear the waves crash far below;
How fitting that a small break from reality and to grab some mental sanity would be to simply wander off into a snowstorm all the way down to the lake.
I wasn't sure if I'd end up with even one good photo from the adventure, I was just pushing my luck.
Yet --
Somehow, trudgning across town on foot, getting beaten down by blinding snow gusts and wind that never stopped -
I walked up to the lake.
Everything a pure, brilliant and blinding white and in the middle - just open space. It didn't seem like a lake, just a dark whole. The closer I got, the waves of the lake slowly made an appearence uderneath the darkness of the storm hovering over it.
No photos will ever do it justice and no words I could find right now could explain the magic of the whole scene that I was walking into.
There's just something magical about making your way through fresh snow. It doesn't matter if you're driving or just walking through it.
Everything's covered and out of a fairy tale, like a coma state or purgatory - it all looks like a dream and feels like one.
To focus on whats around you. To breathe in deeply. To enjoy the moment. When you forget about everything else in the world and even the conditions feel as if they couldn't hold you down.
The amazing beauty that nature gives us in all of its forms is the greatest medicine.
The conditions were something else, but I just kept shooting and shooting.
Past the first few shots I got, I couldn't see anything going on with my camera. The plastic bag I had it in was becoming just as snow and water covered as I was, making it even harder to know if I was even capturing anything worth it, or if a single one would even show up not a blurry mess.
But, I simply didn't care.
I just kept shooting and shooting, until the weather finally got to me.
Also, above is my friend Ash. ( ashcapvisions.com )
Right before I stepped out the door, I texted her and said, " if you're not busy, I have to walk by your house in a little bit to grab some smokes... let's go to the lake."
Props to her for answering and being about it, ready to go as soon as I got over there!
It was good to just get out, battle new circumstances and just create to create. Just let my soul find some peace and balance in just making something, whatever might come out.
Not only am I really stoked on all these images and just the freedom felt of the other day, but - in the middle of facing the storm, especially getting right next to the lake - we somehow managed to throw together a quick and completely spontaneous concept that I'm excited to share (tomorrow's blog post).
It's amazing the blessings around us. I've been in a really strange spot for some months now, but these are the things that keep me feeling alive the most.
Thanks if you made it all the way through!
A small self portrait series.
Charlotte, NC.
I am my wishes.
I am my dreams.
I am my good days.
I am my bad days, too.
I am all of my fears.
I am my deepest regrets.
I am always lost inside
of my head and that's
okay.
It can all feel so unfortunate,
but remember,
sometimes -
the blessings are hidden
in starting over again.
And -
what's one more,
after a thousand times before?
Some 7 years ago or longer: This isn't living on the edge, an adventure; it's diving into certain oblivion. This is what we were, running around in a circle. You drained every bottle in sight, as I got stoned through the night. We talked about everything old and our wishes for everything new. We talked of everything we were hoping for. But really, we were doing nothing and getting nowhere. The misery found comfort in us and we found comfort in the misery. Every day felt too long as every night became the same story over again.
3am, hazy eyed, we fall in love again pretending everything's alright until we wake up again drowning in regrets. And like a song on repeat - get by through the day as best as we can and I'll see you later and it'll all play out the same all over.
I think of how I all of a sudden miss the seemingly, never ending, cloud of smoke that's always surrounding you.
Please, send me postcards from wherever you've been.
Give me phone calls, your voice, something real.
7:38am, while drinking coffee, as you light up your morning smoke or anytime well into the nights, slurred words and all.
Remind me there's more to all of this.
More than only what I know of.
Some people are just home; no matter where or how or what's going on.
I'm just
a train wreck,
trying to
make the best
of it all.
*Wandering the streets of NYC.
Summer 17.