I'm not supposed to decompose where everybody else has grown

“I lit a match just to see it burning
Give me gasoline or give me anything
I want it all, I want nothing, I want space,
I fell apart, I collapsed, I crumbled, I take back
everything and now I’m reveling
I’m unfamiliar with myself, though I’m the same”

*** lyrics from House & Home ***

summer's over

Candid shots
shot @ Mount Olive, NJ

Being completely in the moment at the exact right time, it feels like such a rare thing.

Other times, you have to push for certain things to happen and sometimes, things happen to you too suddenly that push you to make the decisions you have to make.

I’m in another state of transition and I’m wondering what my next steps are and where I want to push things towards. But, in the extra time, I’ve been letting myself take in life little by little again. Finding joy in everything that I felt like I was starting to lose. I lost myself this year and a lot of it was in trying to make better choices that really just allowed myself back into complacency and it wore me back down.

I’m feeling like myself again with new experience to work with — actually, a lot more as I think back on now because too much has happened and I fell back face to face with the person I was trying to grow away from to begin with.

By this time next year, I want to find myself in a whole new place that I never thought I’d find myself and to be honest, — for the first time in a long time — I don’t feel like that’s too far off. I just have to keep reminding myself if the small things don’t work out how I see them right now that it’s still going to be fine.

I always end up where I need to be.

/ / / / / / / / / /

nos·tal·gic

adjective

  1. 1.

    characterized by or exhibiting feelings of nostalgia.

    synonyms: wistful, evocative, longing/yearning/pining for the past, romantic, sentimental, emotional about the past, regretful, dewy-eyed, maudlin, homesick

It's funny how nothing changes but everything has.
Familiar faces become not so familiar.
Some songs will take on new meanings; while others will bring you right back into exact moments of forgotten memories.
Photos will always take you back and remind of the better things that you didn’t know you were missing.
Home begins to feel less and less like home but, you go visit old hometowns and places you spent endless days and nights in - just to have a different feeling loom over you as you wander around realizing how different everything is.
And, when the smiles begin to fade from the reminders — I wonder if I’ll ever feel those feelings again — if they’ll ever feel that impactful as they once did. I wonder if I’ll ever have friends like that again and if things will ever feel new again.